I have been thinking a lot about sharing my writing, experimenting with form and content and playing with different methods of writing and sharing it. EEK the scare of it all. I have content that I want to share and ideas I would like to discuss and I want to be extra and add some flair to it. I am working on character profiles, on the idea of slipping into the mind of my character and speaking as though I was them. It helps me understand the character I am creating, their motivations and attitude towards life and then subsequently what action they would take. I am writing character sketches. I want to discover a character that I fall in love with and will want to weave into my work. How to describe them through actions as opposed to words and when and how to use those words when necessary.
Tonight, I feel like electricity is running through my veins; hot and bright it was zipping around and setting my skin on fire. There was a warm swirling feeling of air in my belly and I felt the energy of the eclipse all around me. The air was palpable, taut, familiar and comforting like a cloud lifting me to places I dreamt of. Where the dreams that live inside are peeking out into the sunlight and bursting with the fullness of wanting to share this journey called life. It was as if a doorway had creaked open silently and slipped shut as though something or someone had slid through and stepped out into the light. It is an awakening, the flames that lay inside smoldering but kept low by the winds of changing priorities and life but are always in the front of the back of my mind and were ignited. Today reminds me of how miniscule I truly am watching the moon blocking the earth from the sun. We are suspended in air floating in the ether grounded but yet soaring free and as a result I should mimic the earth and be in constant motion ebbing and flowing as well. Life is about movement and progression.
Painting was something that I loved to do. On the weekends, the easel would call my name, drawing me out late into the night and I wouldn’t retire until the sun dawned the sky. During real life, I have a 9 to 5 and it takes up all of my days, sapping my energy and not allowing me to commit time to the art that I love. The energy builds up within me and I feel the rush and the desire to breathe life into something because it breathes life into me. There is no greater feeling than to start with a blank easel and create something from the first line to the last dash of color. It’s never perfect enough, it could always be a little bit better, but when it’s done you can feel it. A slight feeling of gentle satisfaction. I started with my home, an old refurbish school bus whose appearance from the outside belies its size inside. I painted her green, purple, yellow and blues, radiant and dancing along the side. She dances with energy and spirit and it is a representation of me, my spirit and my energy in motion and tonight because I am moving, I parked my magic school bus for a while to sink into the energy alive around me.
My lesson this week is to get out of my own way. In one way or another this message has been presenting itself to me and it has been resonating with me on so many levels. I tend to be in my head about a lot of things. Thinking of different ideas and artistic endeavors that for the large part remain untapped or unexplored for varying reasons. The major reason, I am ashamed to admit is fear. Somewhere in the back of my head, I am fearful that my creation or expression will not be received in the right way or that I will be revealing too much of myself and my private nature cringes at the thought. I have been working through some content in my head, but for the large part it has been in my head. Which needs to change. It’s about to be a journey down the rabbit hole my friends; with with many twists and turns and seemingly unrelated topics, might just be plain random at times but there is a point somewhere.
I have been in contemplation about life. What motivates me? What do I want and need in my life? What makes me happy? What makes me sad? My mind constantly going over my life and putting events into perspective. What do they all mean to me at this stage in my growth process? My wheels are decidedly turning and I can feel a shift in my life…call it maturity, call it growth…but I am curious to know how many people ponder on these things and what their outlook is.
I have had a headache for a few days and it is gone. I have
been stressing and unable to sleep but that too is lifting. There has been an
almost imperceptible shift in the atmosphere; Mercury out of retrograde and the
full moon beaming down with its Scorpio energy is bringing revelations on all
fronts. It has brought clarity and answers in unexpected ways. Life is funny;
it has a way of knocking you on your ass, picking you up and teaching you
lessons. I am hardheaded – I must admit. There are times when I do not listen.
I have been struggling with three principles that I have been diligently
working to implement into my life. The idea of surrendering. Letting go and
letting God take the reins and allowing Him to lead me down the path where I
The idea of focusing on myself and my goals and not allowing
negative energy and people to take me away from my lifelong purpose and
And the idea of Blooming. Not
in the future but to unfurl the beauty that resides in me that no one else can
possess. The flowering of my mind, my body and spirit exclusive of those around
me because none of our journeys are the same and as the adage goes, “A flower
does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.”
I am to do the same. And not when the situation is peachy but like the lotus, I
might have to bloom even through some shit.
People may not like me, and they don’t have to. I like me. I
like the person that I am becoming, and it has taken so long to get here but
today …today is a gift to me. A beautiful sparkling gift, that makes me so
happy I am damn near ready to go dance nekkid in the moonlight. (kidding not
I accept the journey the universe is taking me on with grace
and total surrender. I am willing and open to the benevolence of my Creator and
the blessings he has in store for me. I am feeling extremely nostalgic and
grateful for the humans placed in my life that have helped me cultivate this
garden I am growing. I am keenly aware that I do not walk alone in this life
and that I am covered with unconditional love even when I don’t feel like I am.
I am blessed. And I am exceedingly
I have recently rekindled my interests in one of my old passions. I used to crochet all the time and last week I picked up a needle again. Only to discover to my chagrin that I have forgotten everything! I was trying to work on an a pattern and I could remember simple stitches and how to read the damned thing I was so frustrated. I have a huge basket of yarn and I wanted to make my niece a blanket but felt like I was floundering. So I decided to go back to basics. Go back to practicing my stitches and then building back up to reading patterns and give myself some patterns to work on. So for the moment I have shelved the blanket and I will going to find a stitch pattern I like better to do her blanket with. Also I have a friend who is having a baby in the summer and I want to do a couple of things for her. Last night I did two swatches, simple and easy. I did single stitch and a double stitch. I will do triple stitch and I want to do a stitch that has some nice texture to it, haven’t decided yet and then do a granny square pattern (fingers crossed)
There are so many things that I can complain about. I am not where I want to be in a few areas in my life but I have to be grateful for the things that I do have. I met with my writing group last night and they are one of the biggest joys in my life. We are literally the UN of writing, various cultures and backgrounds but we click on so many levels, meeting with them is like medicine. No matter where I am mentally, emotionally when I leave them my energy has shifted and I feel renewed. It feels good to be a part of a community of writers who go beyond just the writing and are legitimate friends. If I am being honest, I am surrounded at this point in my life with people who want the best for me and vice versa. I have nothing but an abundance of love and support and people who are encouraging me to work towards being my best self. That was not always the case and it feels amazing.
Reminds of a a text I once read: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
So my mood today is grateful. What or who are you grateful for today?
Consistency is key.
And I have been so inconsistent over the past few months that I am slightly disappointed in myself. But one of the things that I am working on is to be gentle with myself and to not beat myself up over my shortcomings. Just try and do better.
So with that being said. I have been thinking about the direction of this here blog, having a single focus but I can’t narrow that down because I am just too all over the place for that. So it’s going to be a hodge podge until/if I ever decide to narrow it down. My interests and hobbies are vast which is probably why I am all over the place trying to honor and work on each. Jack of all trades I tell you.
So I am back…just wanted to say hello. Let’s get it.
I got my first rejection letter yesterday and of all the things to feel, I felt excitement. I usually write for myself and I am very sensitive about my work so I rarely share it with anyone. This year I decided that I was going to submit work to writing and essay contests and put myself out there and I submitted a piece to Creative Nonfiction. The topic was “The Dialogue between Science and Religion. I enjoyed writing it and I bummed it wasn’t chosen but it has sparked an interest in me to keep going. You lose 100% of the chances you don’t take as the saying goes, so I’m gonna shoot my shot!